Jaded and Tired

I do not feel regret but rather I question my recent actions. I question my lack of presence on this blog. I question my choice to miss my classes. I question my sudden choice to opt out of my last minute trip to D.C to comfort my sister. I question my need to sleep so much these days, at least 12 to 15 hours. I truly wonder what my reasons are behind my actions. I have been living day by day, a huge leap for someone like me who only could see from ten steps ahead of her. However, I have […]

Continue Reading

To Rule the World

I heard envy in my sister’s voice. It was ironic to hear it. The life my sister was living was envied by everyone around her. And here she was envying me as I contemplated on my future. She said, “When I heard that you were thinking about what you wanted to be in the future, I wanted what you had. A blank slate. I feel as if I worked so hard to be somewhere I don’t deserve to be. Because I know I deserve better.” I felt proud yet shocked simulatenously. Proud since she knew she deserved better and would […]

Continue Reading

Just Kill Me Already

Not knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing, or in my case not knowing why I’m not doing anything kills me. Especially for someone like me who is too aware of everything. People have been disappearing from my life…figuratively. They’re there but not really. There is really no one to blame. It’s a proof of life just moving ahead. Yet, despite the years I fought to start walking forward again, I’ve been set on staying in place these days. Time is moving but I’m not. It’s almost as if I’m afraid. From what, who knows. The worst is knowing with […]

Continue Reading

3 Weeks

For 3 weeks, once again I was sucked in the vicious cycle I had tried so hard to get myself out of. One may call it a relapse. Another may call it being lazy. All I can think of at this moment is how utterly disappointed I am with myself. I have become self-conscious, rethinking ten times before writing anything. Before writing was my escape but now it became work. I had lost what I used to cope. I no longer had a way to stop the constant nagging and worrying once again eating away my mind. Thus, I had […]

Continue Reading

Are Feelings That Important?

What motivates you? There is really no answer when I rack my brain as to why I got something done today and why I couldn’t yesterday. What was so different today? I can even argue that today was a lot worse than usual days with period cramps, exhaustion from doing utterly nothing, and sleeping in until 2 p.m in the evening. If that’s too much information, I apologize. But it’s just me keeping it real. I was watching a woman speak today in a video and she threw me off. After going to therapy for several years now, I’ve been […]

Continue Reading

The Wrong People

I may have mentioned it before, that I’m amazing with cutting toxic people out of my life. Perhaps too good at it. It comes at the expense of having a lot of crappy people in my life. And when I say crappy people, I don’t mean they were necessarily horrible people. In fact from the point of view of others, they were amazing individuals. However, in the end, they were the wrong people for me. The old me would wonder how is it possible for everyone to be the same? I was confused as to the fact that there weren’t […]

Continue Reading

What We Don’t Have

There’s a tendency among people to always want what they don’t have. It’s perfectly natural but it’s also a tragic irony. To another, your life might be a dream come true while their life might be your dream likewise. In the end, we choose not to be grateful for what we do have…making us utterly miserable. Of course, unless we choose not to be anymore. Recently facing this irony again and again among different people is a harsh reminder to not fall into that cycle. Or should I say, it’s to tell me to fall out of that cycle? ***  A […]

Continue Reading

To Not Care

Flakers. There exist a few individuals in one’s life where their words value to nothing. However, I truly believed that someone made the time for you if they believed you’re already worth it or worth the investment thinking you would become someone to them. It could be with the expectation of becoming a person they met once in a while but gave you a good time or a best friend you would spend a lifetime knowing. But my belief shattered after meeting several frustratingly new people in my life that told me I was growing in a generation where the […]

Continue Reading

When the Past is No Longer Relevant

I was going through my old blog, thinking what piece of writing I could reuse. It was the attempt to keep up with my present blog despite my lack of inspiration. However, as I read on and on, I couldn’t think of reposting any of it without cutting some parts out from here or there. But it still wouldn’t work. The entirety of my words was completely in the moment back then. It was to the point that I could no longer relate those very words to my present. My past self, who had written them, were no longer relevant. […]

Continue Reading

Lack of Will

A sudden urge of anger coursed through me at not finding my workout clothes. I used to have anger problems but not anymore. I was rather looking for an excuse subconsciously to not workout. Rather it was not me trying to avoid working out, but rather my attempt of avoiding all work in general. For the past three weeks, I have just been doing the bare minimum to get by. I would do the assignments last minute and barely touch my writing. However, it clashed with the huge list of work I expected to get done during this summer. I had […]

Continue Reading