Just Kill Me Already

Not knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing, or in my case not knowing why I’m not doing anything kills me. Especially for someone like me who is too aware of everything. People have been disappearing from my life…figuratively. They’re there but not really. There is really no one to blame. It’s a proof of life just moving ahead. Yet, despite the years I fought to start walking forward again, I’ve been set on staying in place these days. Time is moving but I’m not. It’s almost as if I’m afraid. From what, who knows. The worst is knowing with […]

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3 Weeks

For 3 weeks, once again I was sucked in the vicious cycle I had tried so hard to get myself out of. One may call it a relapse. Another may call it being lazy. All I can think of at this moment is how utterly disappointed I am with myself. I have become self-conscious, rethinking ten times before writing anything. Before writing was my escape but now it became work. I had lost what I used to cope. I no longer had a way to stop the constant nagging and worrying once again eating away my mind. Thus, I had […]

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Are Feelings That Important?

What motivates you? There is really no answer when I rack my brain as to why I got something done today and why I couldn’t yesterday. What was so different today? I can even argue that today was a lot worse than usual days with period cramps, exhaustion from doing utterly nothing, and sleeping in until 2 p.m in the evening. If that’s too much information, I apologize. But it’s just me keeping it real. I was watching a woman speak today in a video and she threw me off. After going to therapy for several years now, I’ve been […]

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The Wrong People

I may have mentioned it before, that I’m amazing with cutting toxic people out of my life. Perhaps too good at it. It comes at the expense of having a lot of crappy people in my life. And when I say crappy people, I don’t mean they were necessarily horrible people. In fact from the point of view of others, they were amazing individuals. However, in the end, they were the wrong people for me. The old me would wonder how is it possible for everyone to be the same? I was confused as to the fact that there weren’t […]

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What We Don’t Have

There’s a tendency among people to always want what they don’t have. It’s perfectly natural but it’s also a tragic irony. To another, your life might be a dream come true while their life might be your dream likewise. In the end, we choose not to be grateful for what we do have…making us utterly miserable. Of course, unless we choose not to be anymore. Recently facing this irony again and again among different people is a harsh reminder to not fall into that cycle. Or should I say, it’s to tell me to fall out of that cycle? ***  A […]

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To Not Care

Flakers. There exist a few individuals in one’s life where their words value to nothing. However, I truly believed that someone made the time for you if they believed you’re already worth it or worth the investment thinking you would become someone to them. It could be with the expectation of becoming a person they met once in a while but gave you a good time or a best friend you would spend a lifetime knowing. But my belief shattered after meeting several frustratingly new people in my life that told me I was growing in a generation where the […]

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When the Past is No Longer Relevant

I was going through my old blog, thinking what piece of writing I could reuse. It was the attempt to keep up with my present blog despite my lack of inspiration. However, as I read on and on, I couldn’t think of reposting any of it without cutting some parts out from here or there. But it still wouldn’t work. The entirety of my words was completely in the moment back then. It was to the point that I could no longer relate those very words to my present. My past self, who had written them, were no longer relevant. […]

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Lack of Will

A sudden urge of anger coursed through me at not finding my workout clothes. I used to have anger problems but not anymore. I was rather looking for an excuse subconsciously to not workout. Rather it was not me trying to avoid working out, but rather my attempt of avoiding all work in general. For the past three weeks, I have just been doing the bare minimum to get by. I would do the assignments last minute and barely touch my writing. However, it clashed with the huge list of work I expected to get done during this summer. I had […]

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Having No Expectations

I’m greedy. I have selfish wants to fulfill. Happiness to achieve. Desires to be met. But it also just means that I’m human. And when you’re human, constant expectation haunt you. Like… I expect you to love me because I love you. I expect you to care because I’m trying every day to make you care as much as I do. I expect to do well because I’m studying my ass off for this exam. Yet often our expectations don’t match up with the results, and it hurts like hell. So like a mantra I try to brainwash myself to imagine […]

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The Trend To Have A Relationship

I felt unsure and unwanted. Recently there has become a trend to have boyfriends. It may seem an immature topic but it’s a relevant one for me. For a 19-year-old girl like me to never have had a boyfriend shocks others and becomes an automatic topic of interest when meeting new people. And to meet two young girls yesterday, only 17 years old going through what I went through, pulled on my heartstrings. Those girls and I are surrounded by people of our age group that believes that their relationship with their other half is a huge part of their […]

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