Blind

It hurts to see – but the alternative is scarier. I wish I could stop this irrational fear, however it has become an almost innate part of me. Out of habit I repeat the motion and words my mother taught me when something horrid comes to mind, an almost magical spell to get rid of the cursed thought. But still it comes back almost instinctively. And again superstitiously, in fear it may actually happen, I repeat the foreign words from the spell my mother taught me. I am not very religious or superstitious but I still repeat the words habitually […]

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Becoming Unselfish

The worst part of being too aware… is knowing that you’re not only wrong but being fully conscious that in that moment you were evil. It was ironic. (I say that a lot) I had gone from one extreme to the next. Before, I never understood the concept of “me first.” I did everything but that. I was a people’s pleaser, obsessed with responsibility, and worst of all – a complete pessimist. It was around 2014 or was it 2013 when I understood the meaning of self-destructing. Or rather the next step of my unselfishness…sacrifice. I felt like crap, but even […]

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Living in the State of Fear

Living in the state of fear – is paralyzing. Yet, fear motivates me to do far more than happiness ever could. Does it not force everyones hands…eventually? The fear of not being happy, the fear of not being successful (when people forget success is relative when being defined), the fear of their own mortality, the fear of time catching up, and the fear of fucking up (again relative…who even knows how one can…although I can think of quite a few societal standards). There was a time when I had the naive thought that my goal is to be happy in the future. […]

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Currenty Cliche: A Work in Progress

For the past ten minutes I have been doing exactly what I’ve been told not to do. Overthink. Overthink every word, comma, and meaning behind my words. Even more so, overthink the eyes that may be looking over my shoulder. Writing was so easy. Yet a year later, it has become single handedly the hardest thing for me to do today. Last year waking up was hardest thing ever. However, today, it was easily the easiest moment after a long time. A year. And me. The world has witnessed people go from nothing to everything within this year. But when […]

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Not Functional

I had never though that it would be so difficult or require such effort to even sit here and write these words. What began as a sole escape, has also become another thing for me to avoid. These past few months I would often write about my lack of presence on my blog. I would go on to say that I would once again commit myself to writing. To coping with my life. Yet, I am already itching to shut my laptop and to just return to my zombie like existence. I have begun to hate writing here. It has […]

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The Point of Existence

Tonight, the color was purple. The mix of purple and blue from the Empire State Building shimmered upon the East River water creating an incandescent shade. Every part of this moment should make me feel at peace – the lovey-dovey couple snuggling several feet away on my right, the Manhattan view, and of course my writing. And in a sense, I am at a peace. No, I take that back, I am definitely at peace. Yet, one thing I’ve learned is that a peaceful existence does not spark amazing writing. Instead, it’s quite bland. Tasteless as that individual’s life. However, […]

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My Ungrateful, Greedy Beloved

She could almost feel it, his flesh tightly gripped in her hands as she shoved his head under water again. His head vigorously shaking under the surface, fighting against her strength to gasp for air. But she was too strong, his extra skin around his neck became his fatal flaw as it provided a better grip for her to hold on. Yes, she could almost feel it – what it would be like to suck the life out of him. To be stronger than him. Yet, all she could do was nod as he once again asked “Did you hear […]

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Perfect Snapshots

I’m not here to talk about how I’ve captured the perfect picture but rather my lack of perfects snapshots. In an era where each millennials life is recorded over social media, I simply hate it. Thousands of individuals only seem to get a sneak peek of a persons desirable moments, when their life seems as if they have it all and I’ve constantly felt out of place for my lack of want or need for that. I would be reminded that I don’t feel as if I’m living a 20 years old life. I feel as if I’m a decade […]

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On My Accord

As I look back at my older writing and the emotions I felt, so easily triggered by small events, I can’t help but feel pathetic. Did I really feel such drastic pain, anger, sadness, and disappointment for something unnecessary? Even more did I make the wrong judgement? A lot of the emotions I feel may be a response to an outside source but the insecurities I feel are my fault in a way. They are the product of my own issues. Even two days ago, I was swallowed by the same ridiculous judgement that had me breaking apart. How long […]

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It’s Love

Reassessing my thoughts from my last post, I found myself looking back on this weekend. Many thought I was speaking about a lover last time when in fact I was talking about a family member. As we spent the last few days together I couldn’t help but realize we had both changed so much these last few years. She no longer was that person that gave me anxiety when she entered the room and I no longer was that person that embraced it silently. These past two days made me just love her more. It made me question why was […]

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