Catch Yourself Before You Fall

I wish I could write this peacefully. But there are quite more people than I would like that do not know the meaning of personal space. However, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tinier than most. Then again, I do live in New York, where personal space does not seem to exist especially in subways and large crowded areas like Times Square. Okay, moving on from my rant, I’m still going to try and write this. I have begun to feel embarrassed. The past few years I felt the need to defend myself. I felt as if I needed […]

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Daylight Savings

I remember when I was younger and still attempting to be someone I was not, I would repeat again and again to myself and to others, “I love the rain. I love all colors, including yellow. I love everything and everyone in the world!” *(Cue the eye roll)* It’s the attempt of trying to win a fight, you know you will lose. Just like so, when I kept telling myself over and over again, I don’t hate them. I don’t hate the bullies that tormented me for years. I hate their actions but not them. Screw the rain. I never wear […]

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Neglecting How Things Truly Are

I’ve lost my old luxury of being able to just write without thinking. Perhaps I shouldn’t have deleted my old blog. I was able to survive for the anonymity, even though I was never more naked then I was there. Yet here, I feel like an infinite number of mismatched jigsaw puzzles that will never seem to fit. What am I even trying to say every time? These words don’t come easily to me. I seem to be racking my brain to think of what else to write here. My mind is not chaotic. In fact, it’s too quiet. So […]

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Jaded and Tired

I do not feel regret but rather I question my recent actions. I question my lack of presence on this blog. I question my choice to miss my classes. I question my sudden choice to opt out of my last minute trip to D.C to comfort my sister. I question my need to sleep so much these days, at least 12 to 15 hours. I truly wonder what my reasons are behind my actions. I have been living day by day, a huge leap for someone like me who only could see from ten steps ahead of her. However, I have […]

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To Rule the World

I heard envy in my sister’s voice. It was ironic to hear it. The life my sister was living was envied by everyone around her. And here she was envying me as I contemplated on my future. She said, “When I heard that you were thinking about what you wanted to be in the future, I wanted what you had. A blank slate. I feel as if I worked so hard to be somewhere I don’t deserve to be. Because I know I deserve better.” I felt proud yet shocked simulatenously. Proud since she knew she deserved better and would […]

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Just Kill Me Already

Not knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing, or in my case not knowing why I’m not doing anything kills me. Especially for someone like me who is too aware of everything. People have been disappearing from my life…figuratively. They’re there but not really. There is really no one to blame. It’s a proof of life just moving ahead. Yet, despite the years I fought to start walking forward again, I’ve been set on staying in place these days. Time is moving but I’m not. It’s almost as if I’m afraid. From what, who knows. The worst is knowing with […]

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3 Weeks

For 3 weeks, once again I was sucked in the vicious cycle I had tried so hard to get myself out of. One may call it a relapse. Another may call it being lazy. All I can think of at this moment is how utterly disappointed I am with myself. I have become self-conscious, rethinking ten times before writing anything. Before writing was my escape but now it became work. I had lost what I used to cope. I no longer had a way to stop the constant nagging and worrying once again eating away my mind. Thus, I had […]

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Are Feelings That Important?

What motivates you? There is really no answer when I rack my brain as to why I got something done today and why I couldn’t yesterday. What was so different today? I can even argue that today was a lot worse than usual days with period cramps, exhaustion from doing utterly nothing, and sleeping in until 2 p.m in the evening. If that’s too much information, I apologize. But it’s just me keeping it real. I was watching a woman speak today in a video and she threw me off. After going to therapy for several years now, I’ve been […]

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The Wrong People

I may have mentioned it before, that I’m amazing with cutting toxic people out of my life. Perhaps too good at it. It comes at the expense of having a lot of crappy people in my life. And when I say crappy people, I don’t mean they were necessarily horrible people. In fact from the point of view of others, they were amazing individuals. However, in the end, they were the wrong people for me. The old me would wonder how is it possible for everyone to be the same? I was confused as to the fact that there weren’t […]

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What We Don’t Have

There’s a tendency among people to always want what they don’t have. It’s perfectly natural but it’s also a tragic irony. To another, your life might be a dream come true while their life might be your dream likewise. In the end, we choose not to be grateful for what we do have…making us utterly miserable. Of course, unless we choose not to be anymore. Recently facing this irony again and again among different people is a harsh reminder to not fall into that cycle. Or should I say, it’s to tell me to fall out of that cycle? ***  A […]

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