Not Functional

I had never though that it would be so difficult or require such effort to even sit here and write these words. What began as a sole escape, has also become another thing for me to avoid. These past few months I would often write about my lack of presence on my blog. I would go on to say that I would once again commit myself to writing. To coping with my life. Yet, I am already itching to shut my laptop and to just return to my zombie like existence. I have begun to hate writing here. It has […]

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The Point of Existence

Tonight, the color was purple. The mix of purple and blue from the Empire State Building shimmered upon the East River water creating an incandescent shade. Every part of this moment should make me feel at peace – the lovey-dovey couple snuggling several feet away on my right, the Manhattan view, and of course my writing. And in a sense, I am at a peace. No, I take that back, I am definitely at peace. Yet, one thing I’ve learned is that a peaceful existence does not spark amazing writing. Instead, it’s quite bland. Tasteless as that individual’s life. However, […]

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My Ungrateful, Greedy Beloved

She could almost feel it, his flesh tightly gripped in her hands as she shoved his head under water again. His head vigorously shaking under the surface, fighting against her strength to gasp for air. But she was too strong, his extra skin around his neck became his fatal flaw as it provided a better grip for her to hold on. Yes, she could almost feel it – what it would be like to suck the life out of him. To be stronger than him. Yet, all she could do was nod as he once again asked “Did you hear […]

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Perfect Snapshots

I’m not here to talk about how I’ve captured the perfect picture but rather my lack of perfects snapshots. In an era where each millennials life is recorded over social media, I simply hate it. Thousands of individuals only seem to get a sneak peek of a persons desirable moments, when their life seems as if they have it all and I’ve constantly felt out of place for my lack of want or need for that. I would be reminded that I don’t feel as if I’m living a 20 years old life. I feel as if I’m a decade […]

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On My Accord

As I look back at my older writing and the emotions I felt, so easily triggered by small events, I can’t help but feel pathetic. Did I really feel such drastic pain, anger, sadness, and disappointment for something unnecessary? Even more did I make the wrong judgement? A lot of the emotions I feel may be a response to an outside source but the insecurities I feel are my fault in a way. They are the product of my own issues. Even two days ago, I was swallowed by the same ridiculous judgement that had me breaking apart. How long […]

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It’s Love

Reassessing my thoughts from my last post, I found myself looking back on this weekend. Many thought I was speaking about a lover last time when in fact I was talking about a family member. As we spent the last few days together I couldn’t help but realize we had both changed so much these last few years. She no longer was that person that gave me anxiety when she entered the room and I no longer was that person that embraced it silently. These past two days made me just love her more. It made me question why was […]

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The Source: Is it Love or Is it Toxic?

It becomes complicated when your loved one becomes the source of your anxiety. The one who you crave for and miss day by day. At the mention of their name your chest expands with an indescribable emotion. Yet, the minute they pass through the doorway to your safe-haven they become the reason why your heart starts pounding…in an unpleasant way that makes you sick to the stomach. The feeling only medication can take away. Their presence, close proximity makes you question yourself. Stop this feeling. A self repeated mantra that you love them does little to stop the thudding of […]

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Spring Isn’t Here

Just at the thought of posting through my phone makes me cringe since typing on my phone is always a nightmare. My hands just can’t seem to move fast enough to keep up with my thoughts as it does when I’m typing on my laptop. Yet hear I am attempting to write my first post using my phone. So far, it’s just as I thought… it’s a nightmare… I’m currently sitting at Starbucks, near my old home, that used to be my safe-haven after I moved. It’s not surprising that I didn’t appreciate it when it was a consistent presence […]

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20

Several days ago, I turned 20. Yet, it seemed nothing had changed as I was still stuck in the same vicious cycle that had begun several years. I kept asking myself what was it that I lacked. What was it that made me shut down one day but able to get up the next? It was unfortunate really. I was so close to taking that one step forward, success at reaching my first goal. Yet I began to spiral backward, my descent so quick making it impossible for me to gain a foothold. Despite the fact, I relished the anonymity […]

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Consumed By The Need to Sleep

The past week or so, my life has revolved around the concept of sleep. It was either through physically sleeping for far too long or forcing myself to resist the temptation of sleep so I could fall asleep easier at night. Either way, I have been consumed by the thoughts on whether or not I should just give in and just close my eyes as I try to stay awake even now after already sleeping countless of hours. I am just so inexplicably tired. Of what, who knows. I have already learned my lesson of not valuing when I needed rest. But when […]

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