Catch Yourself Before You Fall

I wish I could write this peacefully. But there are quite more people than I would like that do not know the meaning of personal space. However, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m tinier than most. Then again, I do live in New York, where personal space does not seem to exist especially in subways and large crowded areas like Times Square.

Okay, moving on from my rant, I’m still going to try and write this.

I have begun to feel embarrassed. The past few years I felt the need to defend myself. I felt as if I needed to prove to myself and others that yes I can handle stress. I had to tell them that what happened to me was not because I had collapsed under the stress but rather all the crappy things I had ignored in my life had caught up with me.

Although it was true…partially.

However, I can’t help but be honest now. I shut down these days when something throws me off more than I can predict. When I have to rethink everything, the “stress” gets to me and I just disappear. I call out from work. Skip school. And just hide away in the dark recesses of my room…my safe haven.

I feel shameful to be so unprofessional or “smart” to know better. I should have my shit together. Yet, instead, I sound like the immature, unknowing of the world 19-year old that I am.

But again. I should know better. I should expect more from myself.

So, the words she tells me each time echoes in my mind. “It’s okay. Just remember to catch yourself before you fall further down.”

It sounds so easy. So reassuring. Yet, so hard. And of course, embarrassing that it even happens at all.

I mean, how many times can one fall and get up before they choose to just give up?

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9 Comments

  1. You wrote, “I should know better. I should expect more from myself.” Why should you think that? One thing you will learn as you get older – right now you are very very young. Every time you fall in some way there is something to learn. Some do and some don’t. Some blame others for everything that happens to them. Because it is something you are thinking about, I do not think you do that, except maybe as a gut initial reaction. When I look back at myself at your age – I’m 63 – ( sometimes I find it unbelievable that I’m that old because I feel that life is still just beginning) there were many mistakes made and I paid in some way for each one. But when you turn a negative into a positive, you grow. You acquire wisdom. You apply that wisdom. So don’t be too hard on yourself. cocoon when you need to and emerge stronger than you were the day before.

    1. I do agree, I guess the reason why I think in such a way is because many often do say I’m young and have time. However, I’ve always been conscious of time that often the ticking in the background is really in my mind. But thank you. I will definitely keep your words in mind. 💕

      1. It’s not so much that you have time – at least in the way some young people think, for example, when they smoke cigarettes and think they have time to quit later because they are young – because this time when you are young goes by faster than you think. I see my mother and realize I’m not too far off. I started keeping a journal in my early 20’s. I’m so glad I did. I reread them all 30 years later and I could easily see myself mature in my thinking over the years. It was fascinating. Keep writing about your life. You’ll be glad you did.

  2. One thing that remains important throughout all of our lives is to be gentle with ourselves. We cannot be perfect or have everything together all the time, and it’s okay to falter and want comfort and safety. Being aware is a step in healing, and you don’t have to rush through it. Take it one day at a time. I wanted to drop by and let you know I nominated you for the Brotherhood of the World blogger award. Stop by my blog for details!
    -Author S

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