I’m greedy. I have selfish wants to fulfill. Happiness to achieve. Desires to be met. But it also just means that I’m human. And when you’re human, constant expectation haunt you. Like…
I expect you to love me because I love you. I expect you to care because I’m trying every day to make you care as much as I do. I expect to do well because I’m studying my ass off for this exam.
Yet often our expectations don’t match up with the results, and it hurts like hell. So like a mantra I try to brainwash myself to imagine the worst scenario or force myself to expect the least. Of course it’s not right but unfortunately, it works for me. Surprisingly, I’m happier when I expect nothing in return or when I expect the worst.
Is this me advocating to think negatively? No. I hope not. Because it sucks to have to train yourself to think the worst whenever something good is happening in your life, in fear that you would lose it. But also because it doesn’t work every time. Human nature gets in the way sometimes, and you do what’s natural for you…you have expectations.
However, last weekend was a reminder. It reminded me that it matters upon whom you’re bestowing those expectations upon. It reminded me that it’s not my fault for having expectations, nor is it their fault since they’re not even aware of what’s going through your mind.
After going through a rough past three years as a result of my unforgiving past, I had come out of the pain as a defensive person. I wasn’t willing to open up. Although, just like I was willing those past three years, I was willing to work on myself now as well. I was ready to open myself up to other people.
So, I invested time and effort recently towards several friends I only hung out with unless my sister came to visit. Before they began to hold no expectation that I would be there to spend time with them when my sister left the state. Since I wanted to try and change that despite how scared I was to get close, this weekend the two girls, who were sisters, their mother was in the hospital and I went to be by their side each day.
I was putting in the effort so they would subconsciously begin to once again have expectations from me. So they would soon want me to be with them or hang out with them.
Then what I didn’t expect, happened. They began to drop contact with me. I felt used and unwanted again. Before, I had no genuine friends or close relationships because I had experienced trauma and hurt from getting too close. Eventually, though I admitted that the fault was mine for having such few genuine relationships because I didn’t try to have any back then.
The problem is that it still sucks. It still hurts with effort or no effort. The past few years of me trying and putting the effort to change where I could start having expectations has been hard. Since it doesn’t work when the other person doesn’t follow through with your expectations.
However, It made me realize that again I was wrong.
Expectations should be placed based on how deep and mutual the relationship is. I expect myself to be the best of the best. I control myself, so if I fail that expectation it’s on me. However, I can easily succeed because if I have the will, one thing I can effect, control, and achieve is me. I can expect my family to be there for me when I need them. Not because I’m there for them every time. But because of our mutual unsaid contract that requires us to be there for each other to keep the bond and our relationship strong.
Those friends I met and unintentionally failed me didn’t even know I had expectations of them. I expected them to be my friends. I expected they would spend time with me as much as I wanted to spend time with them after I was there for them when they needed someone. I had expectations of a genuine relationship between all of us.
So, it doesn’t mean it was a complete failure. Rather this weekend was the start of me establishing my end of the bargain. It was me showing that they could have expectations from me. Now it’s their turn to make me feel stable and believe that I can have expectations from them if they truly wish to be a part of my life…through time, effort, and will. It can be done subconsciously where one day they might just start caring or not about my presence.
I’m not putting myself on a pedestal telling everyone, oh beware you need to earn me and my time. No. I don’t mean that. Instead, I mean that relationships with people or even things are built upon a foundation. That foundation needs to be built before it can be walked upon. So then I can say when my sister or friend isn’t there for me despite that mutual construct, I can truly feel disappointed, hurt, and have a legitimate reason to be pissed off.
For now, I can only wait for those friends to come around. With expectations or none. In the end, I can’t be pissed off if they decide to never contact me again…okay maybe a little…