Just Kill Me Already

Not knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing, or in my case not knowing why I’m not doing anything kills me. Especially for someone like me who is too aware of everything. People have been disappearing from my life…figuratively. They’re there but not really. There is really no one to blame. It’s a proof of life just moving ahead. Yet, despite the years I fought to start walking forward again, I’ve been set on staying in place these days. Time is moving but I’m not. It’s almost as if I’m afraid. From what, who knows.

The worst is knowing with a little effort, I could reach for the stars. But it’s weird. It’s as if my body is choosing not to, despite my head screaming to get it together. Is this what happened last time, years ago? My head told me to move on but by my body stood still. I had known then I was broken yet at the same time I had no clue. Although this time the reason is completely lost on me. The tendency of these phases reoccurring is starting to tire me. I no longer want to fight with myself. For years, I have been trying to get better. I want to know when that better is finally here. When can I close my eyes and say you don’t need to look ahead anymore? Just look down and look here. Exactly where you are already.

 

 

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15 Comments

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through these phases. Fighting with yourself is a horrible, draining experience that no one should have to go through. Please, hold on. You’ll it through. There are people out there willing to help you.
    -Author S

  2. “You see, in my view a writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily, because she has amazing talent, because everything she does is golden. In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway.”
    ― Junot Díaz
    Thank you for sharing. I am so glad you wrote this. Many of us feel like we are going through the motions to no availe but we write or live on anyway.

    1. Thank you for that quote. I was doubtful of posting this since this post wasn’t a well put together thought but this comment has risen my confidence about it.

  3. Hello, Fai 🙂 When you say that “The worst is knowing with a little effort, I could reach for the stars. But it’s weird. It’s as if my body is choosing not to” I feel very identified with your words. I don’t really now why that happens, but It does and it can be very frustating.

    I would say that, just listen to your body and things will flow 🙂 Hope you have a lovely day.

    1. Yes, it can be so frustrating! But you’re right, often we need to just follow it. I hope you have a lovely day as well! 🤗

  4. Conveying thoughts is at least awareness. The problem may just be you are waiting for motivation. There is always places we wish we were. Stopping to worry about them details you of everything else. Blindly going forth has itses perils but not as many as watching life pass by

  5. Fai, that’s really horrible what you are going through. You wrote from your heart, soo honest. Most people lack that quality.
    Keep your strength with you even in worse times and move forward, never look back.
    Not even once dr 😊

  6. Sometimes we have to learn to be okay in the here and now, not always thinking of the future. Maybe it is a natural subconscious way your body is telling you that it is okay to just be. We are always worrying and becoming anxious on what we wish we could change or what we cannot fully understand, Something in my life journey I have learned is to live day to day, not by what you keep expecting of yourself. I have had many down days I felt terrible that I didn’t accomplish what I thought I should have, but then looking back.. little by little- I actually did accomplish more than I realized. Hope you find your way into feeling more grounded. You may find my recent post encouraging… check it out if you would like: https://inspirememomblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/02/a-change-of-mindset/