Living in the State of Fear

Living in the state of fear – is paralyzing. Yet, fear motivates me to do far more than happiness ever could. Does it not force everyones hands…eventually? The fear of not being happy, the fear of not being successful (when people forget success is relative when being defined), the fear of their own mortality, the fear of time catching up, and the fear of fucking up (again relative…who even knows how one can…although I can think of quite a few societal standards).

There was a time when I had the naive thought that my goal is to be happy in the future. Although I never knew what that meant. Soon, I began to see the ridiculousness behind it. If ridiculousness is even a word. I should be happy now. I worked the past 20 years to get here and to still use it as a goal seems almost tragic. Almost as if I was setting myself up for failure. Being happy now is what should everyone should aspire to, not the future.

But that was the issues, if I was content now, why is still it so easy to be paralyzed by fear. Nothing should matter, the risks should seem worth taking since I’m already happy. Then I learn that happiness is a great, pointless motivation. Because it will never be enough. We can never be grateful enough.

Fear plays a large role in my life. As an individual who lives by following the “rules” (culturally and socially), ironically the source of my happiness comes from following those rules – as twisted as it may sound. I like knowing that I am the “good girl” in societal standards, that I’m doing what is expected of me and because of that I am placed on a pedestal. In other words, I am happy to give in to my fear because I do care what society thinks.

Fear is twisted and dark. Yet, it is fear that is keeping me happy and safe every night, as we’ve all been conditioned to. To not walk late out night. To travel in groups. We grow up conditioned to it, thinking it is okay. As a result, we have a million dollar market of life coaches telling us to break the glass ceiling inhibiting us – that fear.

But we forget that as we fight the war within ourselves to break that wall, as we battle the new generation is being conditioned to that same fear as we fight. Living in the state of fear has never been more motivating than it is right now in this moment as we pay for help to undo the conditioning of a lifetime.

Photo by Becca Tarter on Unsplash

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