Neglecting How Things Truly Are

I’ve lost my old luxury of being able to just write without thinking. Perhaps I shouldn’t have deleted my old blog. I was able to survive for the anonymity, even though I was never more naked then I was there. Yet here, I feel like an infinite number of mismatched jigsaw puzzles that will never seem to fit. What am I even trying to say every time?

These words don’t come easily to me. I seem to be racking my brain to think of what else to write here. My mind is not chaotic. In fact, it’s too quiet. So peaceful, that maybe that’s why I feel guilty. I feel guilty for breaking apart without a valid reason. I worked so hard to get where I am today, with countless visits with my therapist and psychiatrist. There were tears, panic, and utter pain. Yet, even though I was terrified of where I was before. I still find my way back. I miss not having time chase after me when I was in that dark abyss. I miss just drowning in no worries. Although, too much of anything is destructive. And I just know that like before I’ll be tearing apart everything to get back to where I am now again – a neverending cycle.

It’s just hard taking one step forward and going two steps back. Is this what it feels like to neglect how things truly are. Ever since I could remember I have lived in a different world than others in my head. So have you. One I’ll never understand. One I’ll never want to understand.

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  1. You never need a reason. Brains get sick, relapse, just like anything else on the body. The important thing right now is to treat it and yourself with extra care. Maybe switching things up, like how you write, when you write, what you write about, etc will help your brain start taking small steps toward where you want it to be. Little exercises go a long way, so set aside some time and try something as simple as word associate to start and work your way up.
    You’ll get through this.
    -Author S

    1. Thank you for the advice! Perhaps your right. I’ve been so stuck on just writing like before that I didn’t think of writing with new habits and new material. I’ll make sure to try this as soon as possible. 🙂

  2. My dear one. You are doing the hard work of awakening. The messy, gritty, gooey and delightful fright of staring beyond each pore on your face and into the center of your shiny soul. We will hold the space for you. For as long as you need to be here because are valuable and important.
    And when you are done and have learned all you could in these moments of walking backwards, you will reach behind you and extend your hand for all the others who feel trapped. You will share your story and give them hope. You will hold the space for them. Knowing that it is not your job to try to fix them but to simply let them know that you SEE them and that they lives and shiny spirits are valuable and important to.
    Sending you love and light.
    xoxo- Kimberly

    1. Thank you so much! Reading your beautiful words made my day. I might screenshot your words to read later again and again. Sending lots of love to you as well! <3 <3