I heard envy in my sister’s voice. It was ironic to hear it. The life my sister was living was envied by everyone around her. And here she was envying me as I contemplated on my future. She said, “When I heard that you were thinking about what you wanted to be in the future, I wanted what you had. A blank slate. I feel as if I worked so hard to be somewhere I don’t deserve to be. Because I know I deserve better.”
I felt proud yet shocked simulatenously. Proud since she knew she deserved better and would do better. Yet shocked to think she thought I had a blank slate. At first, years back, I was fighting to erase my past. However after I learned to accept it I’ve been trying move on. In other words, I would have nothing to be ashamed of if my slate were truly blank.
Instead, I told her that she should wish for anything but a blank slate. “Imagine starting all over again. That would be hell. Right now you already have all the tools. You just need to learn how to use them.” I responded as honestly as I could but it was as if we were both talking to ourselves. I was envying my sister who seemed to have her life secure and stable, with a degree from a prestigious college and a job right after. Yet she envied my lack of stability where I had the chance to spread my wings and decide to be anything I wanted in the future.
We were both, at that moment, as we spoke over the phone were fighting an internal battle to remind ourselves to be grateful. To be grateful of what we had and to fight for what we wanted later on. We were both terrified of our present.
However, that night we ended our conversation with a silent promise to no longer be complacent. She told me, “If anyone had to rule the world. I’d rather it be us. We were never meant to be in the shadows anyway.”